As I said in my last post I am getting divorced and have had to let go of my girls a little I have been the primary caretaker of both of my girls since they have been born. My husband worked and I stayed home and took care of the kids. It was my dream come true to be able to stay home with my kids and see them grow on a day to day basis and not miss one thing My husband didn't have a lot of involvement in the day to day care of the kids until they got older. When they were babies I would do everything, which was fine with me. He would say that I would never let him do anything with them or be involved and then when I would ask to help or to take them somewhere he would tell me I never wanted to be around them and I always wanted to pawn them off. It was really a no win situation for me.

Fast forward to the present, we are getting divorced and he is asking for 50/50 custody!!!!! ?Is he out of his mind? He couldn't handle them 1% of the time when we were married and now he wants them 50% of the time!!!! I said no way right away, my kids have only spent the night away from me two times, now he wants them to be away from me for weekends at a time and while he takes them on vacation? Unfortunately, when you get divorced it really doesn't matter who is the primary care giver of the kids, the father has rights also!! The father who really didn't show any interest in them, makes poor decisions when it comes to safety, and really just doesn't want to pay the child support gets rights!!!

I had to agree to some kind of timesharing plan or the judge was going to decide for me. I had to decide how I was going to divide my children like they were some kind of cattle or something. It was terrifying!!! I didn't want them to be away from me for any amount of time, especially when the person you are giving them to only wants them to not pay child support. He wouldn't call to see how they were doing or ask how the day was, he would wait for them to call him. He is a grown man and they are children, give me a break!!!

They have gone with him a few weekends now. They seem to be okay, but they watch a lot of movies and play. He always plays with them so he will always be the cool fun one. He takes them to birthday parties, which is so funny, because he would never go to a birthday party with me, I would ALWAYS have to go alone!! I just can't believe what an asshole he has turned out to be!! I think that is the hardest part about this whole thing!! It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that the guy I was with for 11 years is hardly recognizable!!! He is doing shit I never dreamed he would do, it is just very hurtful and uncalled for!!! I will love my husband til the day I die and I really wish we could have worked this out. I know everything will work out in the end, but for right now, I HATE IT!!! My kids are doing okay with the whole thing, they like to go with daddy, but by the third day they are calling me to come home!! My girls are my first priority in this divorce and in life in general!! We will make it through this with a positive attitude and I will be a better person in the end The truth always prevails and I know I can sleep at night knowing I am doing the right thing by my kids I will keep everyone posted on what happens, there is a big surprise I have to share!!!


Blog ya later....


MOMSTAR

        

I am still alive over here even though I have not blogged in the longest time. I have been going through some serious and complicated shit over here and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I am turning to my blog to see if will help me get through this or to see if anyone else has gone through a similar situation. Here I go starting to vent...

My last blog post was about how I thought I was having a heart attack and my husband wouldn't call 911. After that happened I left my husband! I felt like that night he let me down and the trust I once had in him was gone!! It broke my heart to do something like that, to pack up my kids and come and move in with my mom. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life!! I was just to devastated by what he did to me, letting me down when I asked him to call 911 and he looked at me like fuck you, my heart couldn't go on anymore. I left about two weeks later because I was having horrible anxiety and I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost 30 pounds and was barely able to function. I didn't realize how much I would be affected by one little incident, it is just that my trust was shaken to the core and I couldn't get over it.

When I left I kind of thought my husband would give me a little space to try and regroup and get my thoughts back together and then we could work on our marriage. That is the total opposite of what happened!! He had asked me a couple of times what he could do so I would come home, I didn't really have an answer because it was still so fresh I wasn't really sure what I wanted him to do. About a month  had gone by and we weren't communicating at all, we really didn't even really talk about the kids, I was devastated. We would call him and he wouldn't answer and then the next day he said he was sleeping. I found out that he was already dating other people and had moved on. I have been with him for 11 years and would never dream that he would forget about his family in less then 2 months, once again I was devastated.

He served me with divorce papers and he quickly moved forward with the divorce. He was accusing me of alienating the kids from him when he was the one who wouldn't come and see them or answer the phone when we would call. It was a real mess at the beginning. It was so confusing at the beginning for me, I didn't want the divorce, but he was so adamant about us getting divorced so he can move on. He was so sick of sitting around and waiting for me to come around, come around, I have been with him for 11 years and just went through a very traumatic thing and he is sick of waiting for me!!!!! I got an attorney and we moved forward much to my dismay!

It got real nasty,name calling, police reports, restraining orders, it was just so uncalled for but our emotions were so high that it just got way out of hand. My husband, by the advice of his attn, got a guardian ad litem, to tell us how to parent our children. That might have been one of the biggest mistakes of his life! I will explain later. This guy was appointed to us to help us co-parent, which is such a joke because the whole time we were married I was the only one who parented, he only played with them. He is going for 50/50m custody of the girls so he will not have to pay as much child support, everybody knows that, including the professionals that we saw. He wants this to just be over with and act like none of this ever happened and the past 11 years can be put behind him.

My heart is so hurt by the stuff my husband has done and accused me of. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted to work it out and use this experience as a new beginning for us. Start over and be stronger then we were before, he would just have nothing to do with it. He just wanted to go out and do his own thing and put all of this behind him. I am slowly coming o grips with the fact that we are going to get divorced and move on without each other. It is very hard to deal with sometimes, but it is getting easier as the days go by.

One of the hardest things I have had to do during this divorce is let go of my girls......


Blog ya later...

MOMSTAR

 

        

A couple of days ago I felt like I was getting a cold. I have diabetes so I have to take these things seriously because it can affect my sugar and my sugar can get out of hand real quick. I was just going to wait to see if it went away, but by te second day I had had enough. I have to take care of my kids so I needed something to dry me up and make me comfortable. I went to the store and bought this diabetic stuff to help dry me up and to hopefully make me functional. I took the medicine around eight in the evening and never thought another thing about it except for how much it made me feel better.

I layed down to go to sleep around 11:30pm and couldn't catch my breath!! I fel like I couldn't breath and my chest and arms were tingling. I was so scared I jumped up and told my husband to call 911! I knew something was wrong but in my panicked state I couldn't figure out what. I had a really hard time catching my breath and to tell you the truth, I thought I was having a heart attack!!! Ijust kept thinking I am only 29 years old this can't be happening! I was so short of breath and my chest was so tight and the tinglimg in my arms was so out of control, it all just added up to a heart attack! I then thought of everything I hope I did in case I was actually dying. I know I sound so dramatic, but I really didn't know what was happening! I was thinking did I tell my kids I loved them, kiss my husband before we went to bed, did I see my parents today, have I talked to my sisters? I called my mom to come down and take me to the hospital. When she got there I started to feel a little better, but I still had the tingling in my left arm, which was not letting me relax!! I finally said to my mom, "Let's go to the hospital I will never be able to sleep otherwise!"

We got to the hospital around 1am and checked in. When we got there I was feeling a little better but still had numbness and a little shortness of breath. I was really scared!! They called me back and gave me an EKG right away and it came out NORMAL!! Then I started to feel even better knowing I wasn't having a heart attack! They came in and did some tests and I had a chest x-ray and just sat there. I couldn't go to sleep because I was affraid I wouldn't be able to breathe again!! The tests finally came back....

I had pnemonia!!! What!! pnemonia, how can that be, I feel fine other then a little cold!!The weird part was, all my vital signs were perfect, I had no wheezing, and my sugar was not elevated at all!!! I do know one thing, I was so relieved to know that I wasn't having a heart attack!!!! They gave me a shot in my butt and sent me on my way!! By thw way, the shot hurt really bad!!!

You know, I was so relieved to know I really was going to be okay! It was just the scariest feeling know that I couldn't catch my breath and to have symptoms of a heart attack, that was just so scary!!! I am home now recovering and just taking it easy. My mom and sister came over and helped me with the kids. Dale took them for the day the other day so I could rest. Thank goodness for my family or else I would have a hard time resting and recovering.

The best part of the whole thing is that, I am not having a heart attack and I got home before my kids woke up!!!


Blog ya later....


MOMSTAR

        

The new year for me is a time to look back on the year that has gone by (way to fast) and reflect on the things that have happened in my life, both good and bad. I am really not good at making resolutions, because really it is just like setting myself up for failure!! I never really stick to my resolution, so why bother?

I am this year going to try to improve on things in my life! I am going to turn over a new leaf and try to have a newer positive lease on life! This year there have been amazing things that have happened to me and my family. 

 For one thing, my husband still has a job and we have a roof over our head which I thank god for everyday!!!!!

My daughter started school this year for the first time I was so sad at first, but as time has gone by, I think it is the best thing ever! She really loves going and seeing her friends and learning new things.

My family has turned a whole year older and we still have our health Having your health is most important of all.

I have traveled to some amazing places and shared the experiences with my children!

Grace got rid of her pacifier and never looked back.  

I have learned many new things about myself that I never knew before and it feels really good

I have grown closer to my husband and our communication has improved by like a thousand!! Communication is key!!

I started my blog, which has been so much fun!

I also started my jewelry designs and actually sold one of my pieces!!!

I have made some new friends that I have really enjoyed getting to know

Everyday I thank god for all of the blessings in my life and as this new year is getting ready to kick off, I can't wait to see what it has to offer  2009 was a good year for me and I know 2010 will be even better!! I am going to be positive and try to look on the positive side of things from now on. I am also going to try to have more patience with my children and other people!!! These are just a couple of things I am going to work on as this new year approaches!!!

Is there anything anyone else is going to try to work on this new year?

I really would just like to wish everyone a happy, safe, and most importantly HEALTHY New Year!!!!!

2010 is going to be the year of the MOMSTAR's!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        

Ya know when I started my blog I wanted it to be this huge success!! I wanted people to read it comment on it and really love it! I really didn't know what it meant to have a successful blog. Did it mean that you had five thousand hits a day, that you made forty thousand dollars in advertising, you had six thousand comments a day? I really didn't know? I wanted people to enjoy what I had to say, and I wanted people to laugh!

Time has gone by and posts have been blogged and I realized that, my blog is successful! I don't really have that many visitors to my blog, but I do have a couple of loyals, which I appreciate!!! 

My blog is successful to ME! That is really all that matters! Like I said in the beginning I wanted other people to love what I had to say, then as time went by, a lot of people didn't care. Then when I really thought about it, my blog was successful because I was writing down my feelings on paper  a website so years down the line I can look back and remember everything that I thought or things that happened on that day!

I don't have a journal that I write in on a daily basis, but I do have a blog, a blog that can be used as an archive to look back on when my kids are older and I will remember what happened on that day. I would never in a million years remember what happened on May 30, 2009 if I had to use my mental Rolodex, but I can look back on my blog and it will bring back all the memories of that day!

I can remember that Grace said she wubs me poreber and a day, or that Maggie was running up the slide just like I used to do, or the time they drove me crazy and all I wanted to do was run away!!!!!

I guess I just realized that it doesn't matter how many visitors I have or comments people write or how much money I make on my blog, it really is just successful to ME! I can write down my true feelings without feeling bad and have an archive of my feelings and memories of my time with my kids that will never go away!

For that I am so thankful I started this blog!

Blog ya later......


MOMSTAR

        

I see you

Blog ya later.....




MOMSTAR

        

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers' day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset. I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children. I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death. I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets...begging for their next meal. I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!!

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit. I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was. I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to be six again.


My birthday is tomorrow and I am going to be 29! I know I am not old by any means, but I read this poem when I was a kid and I always remembered it. As time goes by and life happens I thought of this poem! Since my birthday is tomorrow, what better time to share it, because you know I wish I was 6 instead of 29!!!!


Blog ya later......


MOMSTAR

        

Now wonder I can't lose weight!!


Blog ya later.....


MOMSTAR

        

Whoever designed this slide has obviously never heard of safety first!!!

When I was a kid I remember this slide being a dream come true! You would get a running start and run up it as fast as you can just to slide right back down again! It was always so fun and reckless! I remember it looked like it was about thirty feet tall and you were going to run into the clouds when you got to the top! I remember climbing up the slide seemed like you were climbing up a straight wall it was so steep and if you had the right clothing on, you would fly down like a rocket ship! I remember just having the best time on this kind of slide!! I think one of the best parts was, there were no sides to hang onto, so if you fell because you got to cocky and went to fast or if you just lost your footing, you were in a world of shit! It was a long way to the ground my friend!!!

But, the other day we went to the park while we were in New Hampshire and this slide was there! Guess who gravitated right to it? Maggie! I was a nervous wreck watching her run up the slide that had no side rails to hang onto in case she got to cocky or just lost her footing! When she climbed the ladder which still seemed like it went to the sky, the only problem was, if she fell it was a long way down my friends!! She would get a running start and run right to the top just to slide back down, it really just didn't seem as fun this time! The thought of my Maggie falling off a slide that seemed like it was thirty feet tall and no side railings for her to hold on to in case she slipped just didn't seem fun anymore!

As I watched her run up and down the slide, just like I used to do, it brought back so many memories of being a kid and going to the playground and just having the most fun you can have!!! Can you imagine the most dangerous thing in life to worry about is if you are going to make it to the top of the slide without falling off!!  Maggie really did have a good time just being a reckless carefree kid teitering on the edge of disaster with one false move to the right or left and it was fun and scary to watch all at the same time!!!


Blog ya later......


MOMSTAR

        

I have been away for a while and not blogging! I really don't have a good reason for it except, I traveled, decorated for Christmas, tried to unpack, trying to get my house ready for the holidays, and sleeping!! For some reason I can't stop sleeping!!! I did notice that when you don't blog for more then one or two days, people don't visit your blog! Hum, how weird!!!

I am back in the blogging game again! I really do love to blog and write down my feelings and things that happen in my day to day life, but sometimes my day to day life makes it to busy for me to blog. I have been going to bed at 7:30pm! I never go to bed that early, I don't know what it is, I just must need some sleep!

I am going to post some pics from my trip and tell some stories of shizz that happened while I was away, just not tonight, I am to tired LOL!!!

Blog ya later.....


MOMSTAR